Which is to say, enjoy email exchanges and even first or second dates with as many men as possible. I know, I know. Mom told us NOT to do this. And patriarchy hates it. But honestly, could there be a better reason to try it? And we’re not talking about SLEEPING with multiple men for crying out loud. We’re just talking about courtship.

Plus, even starting with twenty great-sounding emails from men, we will probably only end up seeing one or two because they are quite good at cancelling themselves out (wait and see). Having others on the list makes it much easier to drop the big favorite when he sends incredibly dumb email, or otherwise reveals a real deal-breaker. Let’s not start making excuses for bad behavior before we even meet them!

Plus, the double standard that “She’s a Slut and He’s a Stud…” (see Jessica Valenti’s delightful book on this: http://www.amazon.com/Other-Double-Standards-Every-Should/dp/1580052452 ) only refers to who we sleep with. Not who we FLIRT with. Throughout history women who have been aggressively courted by multiple suitors have been admired, not chastised. So let’s get on with it. The Rule again, restated: “On-line flirt with as many men as you have time for” when you are internet dating. Too much focus on any one of them until we’ve met and established true rapport or exclusivity can be the cause of three problems which it should be our goal to avoid.

The first one is: Crushing Disappointment. Very common when a relationship starts in cyberspace. Then we meet him and realize he resembles our fantasy about as much as a Hyundai resembles a Lamborghini (and men think we don’t know our cars!). Nothing wrong with a Hyundai, of course, unless it’s completely overpriced.

The Second Problem: Perceptual Blindness. This is an actual scientific term ( see Scientific American article on this: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=none-so-blind ) for the human ability to completely ignore (and deny) what is right in front of us in favor of what we are intently focused on. It’s why another rule includes introducing him to our friends as soon as possible after the third date (“gosh, I didn’t notice his wedding ring!”).

The Third Problem: Overlooking the Really GOOD Guy. The one who deserves a second and maybe even third date before you decide. It’s true: some of the best guys in the world get nervous and say the dumbest things (read about some famous men’s meetings with the women who are now their wives). Most of us know we don’t want the flashy creep who’s in love with his own reflection and on the make with every woman he meets. At the same time, the less obvious men of this genre may come close to matching our romantic ideal. It helps to admit that women have about as much a weakness for bad boys as men have for bad girls: they sometimes seem like big fun. They may even BE big fun at times. But let’s not confuse him with relationship material, and let’s give the nice guys a chance. Or two. Or maybe even three.

Simply stated, an internet fantasy about any man should be considered as delusional as our daydreams about actors who seem perfectly gorgeous, sensitive, intelligent and understanding. How can we possibly know until it is solidly grounded in fact? (Unless of course it’s George Clooney, who I’m quite sure really WOULD understand me.) One more time: you do NOT ACTUALLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS GUY FOR **SURE** until you’ve at LEAST met him, and even then, he could be a complete sociopath. Sociopaths are not fun. When they are found out they usually get dumped, but it’s a drag to be the one who provided him the free ride (financial, emotional, and/or sexual) since it’s always at the woman’s expense.

Of course tabloid headlines notwithstanding, falling for the wrong guy is rarely fatal. As long as it isn’t, we can recover. Quit him as soon as you realize what a loser he is and then forgive yourself for falling for him in the first place (I recommend Martina McBride’s song “Cry, Cry” ( http://www.amazon.com/gp/recsradio/radio/B000NOKAPI/ref=pd_krex_listen_dp_img?ie=UTF8&refTagSuffix=dp_img ) during this phase, and perhaps Kid Rock’s “I’m A Low Life” to remind you of him: http://www.amazon.com/gp/recsradio/radio/B000ULQUS0/ref=pd_krex_listen_dp_img?ie=UTF8&refTagSuffix=dp_img ). Whatever we do, let’s not imagine that a guy who lies about his job, his financial situation, his children, or the fact that his ex-girlfriends are all strippers isn’t going to lie to us about everything else.

Back to the multi-tasking credo: it’s hard for internet newbies to imagine everything that can go wrong. So let’s take a look at other women’s experience in meeting cyberspace fellows. What should we do if the one who currently writes like a fantasy heart throb is really one of these guys (we already handled Sociopath Steve)?

Serial Killer Sammy – he wants to be sure we keep our relationship with him very “private” and agree to meet him in a remote area (umm, DON’T)

Insecure Ian – anything and everything we do or don’t do – including being too busy to answer his email one day — indicates to him that we’re about to reject him, and he will freak out accordingly. (Recommendation: let him freak and let him go.)

Gag-me Gary – he cannot stop expressing himself in poetic prose that makes us want to throw up. He’s in love with the idea of being in love, not in love with us specifically. (Leave a smiling cardboard cut-out of yourself in the room in your place and see if he notices.)

Two-Timing Tim – he’s a Player pretending to be a romantic and it won’t be until we meet him the third time or vet him with our gal-pals that we figure this out. (When they say, “my, he certainly does have a high appreciation for women, doesn’t he?” that would be a hint.)

Sad Sack Sid – he never got over the fact that the love of his life left him and he never will. (Don’t waste your time trying to help him through this. It’s just his schtick for not appreciating you.)

Pathetic Pete – he dresses like he has no female relatives and has never read a men’s magazine. Plus, his haircut is the pits, he has bad personal hygiene AND he’s completely oblivious. Unless he’s making an anti-social statement (and you’re a rebel revolutionary in your own right), this suggests gross insensitivity to cultural cues. If not to a whole lot more. Pathetic Pete Reconsidered – of course if he IS aware and he has a great excuse (for example: “sorry to show up like this, I was just out fighting the Los Alamos blaze, but I didn’t want to miss my coffee with you”) he definitely deserves a second date, if not a freebie on the first one. (Wait – I meant free coffee, what were you thinking?)

Faithful Phil is a little like his cousin Gag-me Gary, only Phil wants us to know from the first date that he’s utterly faithful to every woman he’s ever been with and will be with us too (tip for Phil: none of us value very much what’s given up freely on the first date).

Honest Anthony – wants us to know he is “the most honest guy you’ll ever meet”. BIG RED FLAG. Normal people don’t have to assert this. Human beings tend to assume others are the same way they are. Most often this means: “I’m honest/faithful in my own way.” Which is almost always at odds with the way we would define it.

Swinging Stanley – you won’t know he’s a Swinger for a while, if he’s crafty (and/or over the age of twenty-five). It will start with him asking, “what do you think about threesomes?” Do not, in your wildest dreams, imagine this is an innocent question.

Boring Bradley – his emails are fabulous! But when we finally meet him we can’t believe it. Either it took him 8 hours to write each one, or he has one heck of a ghost writer because his conversation is entirely confined to monosyllables. (Of course, he could be simply stunned by your charismatic presence, but ask him if he has a friend who’s a writer anyway. And if you can have that guy’s number.)

Delusional Dan – women may not be THAT visual but we CAN tell the difference between 6’2″ and 5’9″. Also, for the record, also between “40ish” and “60ish” and definitely between 180 lbs and 300lbs. It’s very hard to recover from this sort of disappointment, and a guy like this isn’t likely to be straight with us (or himself) about other things as well.

See what you have to look forward to? Scary, eh? But the point is, even if you had five of the dates above in a two day period (better go for the decaf), as long as you know what to expect, you will end up more entertained than disappointed. You will surely laugh about some of it – as long as you weren’t foolish enough to pin all your hopes on one of them. Plus, your friends who are in relationships will enjoy hearing what happened (it makes them glad they’re not out there too).

At the end of the day, if he’s just right for you, THEN you can ditch the others. But when things don’t work out, isn’t it great to know you have another date or email to look forward to? Most men, by the way, learned to do this at puberty. That is, if they can get away with it.

Best,

cj

Hey, come on everyone: the DFFP philosophy is supposed to make life better, easier and more fun for women. It provides a framework to size up Male Losers and Winners and if we’re already in a relationship, it provides an easy way to communicate this to our mates. Given the challenges inherent in male/female communication, this should be welcomed.

However, Patricia feels differently. Here is her comment:

“This entire concept is appalling. This unrepentent using of any human is the most despicable thing I have ever read. No wonder you women have one failed relationship after another. American women are the most privileged people on the planet- yet they whine, complain and take delight in turning men into (more…)